I have been the queen of life plans. All my medical school classmates went through periods of secretly hating me because I had a life plan that was scripted to the nth degree while they wandered amongst specialties . Since I was 14 the goal was be a doctor and since I was 20 the goal has been be a global health doctor. There were some tangents like the phase when I was confused about the global health part and thought about div school. But all in all the foundation of my day life has been centered on those goals for the last 12 years. I studied for SAT and the SAT II and the AP EXAM and then I overachieved and tried to save the world in college. Then I studied for the MCAT, then I bought a suit and talked my way into medical school. Then I overachieved in medical school and tried to save the world again. Then I bought a better suit and talked my way into a top pediatrics program that gave me money to try to save the world again, this time for real. Mission accomplished.
Now I am the doctor and I am in a global health pediatrics program.
Well snark it.
Now what do I do?
Everyone else has an idea of what I am to do. Heck, Wake has ideas. My adviser has ideas. My PD and my classmates have ideas. My parents have ideas. My friends have ideas. I feel pressured and pulled and spread out over a vast array of possibilities.
But I am idea-less. I am vision-less. I am directionless. For first time since I was 14 I have no idea what I want. And its terrifying. I keep running around in mental circles without going anywhere.
Maybe that’s the point, Maybe that’s the bottom line. Maybe I have been climbing the mountain for so long that I am not sure how to just sit and be at the top of the mountain. Maybe I was brought to the top of the mountain not because it was the pinnacle of achievement or the dream. But because it was the end of my dream and beginning of God’s. I often wonder if God stares down at me and laughs at my efforts and my mental marathons. Not in a sort of mean or condescending way but in a knowing way. Knowing that his dreams and desires for me are far beyond what I can imagine. Maybe my job at the top of mountain is not to roll down or even jump off but to wait….
Wait, listen and let someone with far better ideas than I dream the next leg of the journey.