Lately I’ve been struggling to put into words the things that have been gnawing at the back of my mind, and bothering me. I find myself wrestling with pride, with arrogance, with self-entitlement and all of the attitudes that come with them.
There are things I feel strongly called to do, beliefs to which I hold dear, and insights I believe are unique and engaging. My struggle, however, is that when given voice, I feel utterly inadequate and ignored. I’m tempted to label my gifts and the desire to use them as pride. I’m tempted to hide my beliefs because of their perceived “threat” to the body of Christ. And I’m tempted to believe that my insights fall on dead ears, heard only by the few who choose to listen, and thus, am tempted to stop sharing.
But worst than any of this… I’m tempted to make this about me.
As I read back over that introduction, I cringe. Because really… it isn’t about me at all. Oh how I need to learn that lesson… to step back, to stand back, and to allow God to work in me, no matter how much I think he should work in this way, or he should do this, I need to get out of the way. Too often, I catch myself navel gazing and wishing I could be asked to do this, or wishing I’d get the respect I feel I deserve… when in reality? I deserve nothing. I am nothing.
“But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” Phillipians 3:7-8